Yea? Your Mom..

February 6, 2009 § 2 Comments

facebook-mom..and mine too, are on Facebook. Sometimes she’ll “poke” me, other times she’ll friend request me. Sorry mom, I love you, but I cannot add you to my Facebook. Not that I have anything to hide, it’s just a little weird being connected to my mom on Facebook. According to Facebook’s statistics, their fastest growing demograph are those over the age of 30. Makes sense considering many people under 30 are already on Facebook. So long and farewell to the days of web 2.0 parental ignorance. Which brings me to my next point: If our parents are joining Facebook, what’s next? It’s not as if they’re going to start Twittering. Oh dear God, please don’t let that happen. Though, I do have to hand it to my mom–she has much more meaningful Facebook connections than I do. Kudos to you mom! The only people she’ll add are relatives and friends. I on the other hand, I need to delete some people. It’s too bad Burger King had to get rid of their Whooper Sacrifice. Thanks Facebook for getting rid of a good thing, that was almost as brilliant as Yahoo rejecting Microsoft’s offer last year. And by brilliant, I mean, completely stupid. With the Whopper Sacrifice, I could have had a sure-fire excuse for deleting 10 of the most useless people I’m connected to on Facebook, AND gotten a free Whopper without feeling bad. Saying goodbye to that boy that sat 2 seats in front of me in Chemistry sophomore year in highschool=easy peasy. Saying goodbye to free food=never. So who would I delete exactly? Well, I’m not connected to my mom (or yours, hah!), so I’ll have to start from my Newsfeed. Here are the 10 people I would delete for a Whopper:

1.) That girl I was friends with, but not really, in high school–The Frenemy. The Frenemy went from being “in a relationship” to “engaged.” Intrigued, I click on it. Meh, I’m still cuter, funnier, and smarter than her. And I spot cankles. Delete.

2.) The Ex. The Ex posted an item. I know I shouldn’t click on his profile–curiosity did kill the cat, but then again, satisfaction brought it back. *Click* Who is that girl that keeps writing on his wall? I’ll look at that later *right-click, open link in new tab*. Time to Facebook stalk The Ex. He’s unemployed with virtually no career ambition, lives, almost literally, in his parents basement, and is still a tool. Uninteresting, Delete.

3.) Girl That Keeps Writing on Ex’s Wall. Upon closer inspection, turns out, we’re Facebook friends. I met her once, through a friend of a friend of a friend at some mutual person’s place a year ago. I do a wall-to-wall, and see some lame flirtage going on. Wow, they both lack wit. I am clearly smarter and funnier than her. Feeling better about myself, I do the one thing I can do: Delete.

4.) Jock from High School. Let’s just make one thing clear, I was never the “popular” or “cool” kid in high school. So when Jock from High School added me a long time ago, I thought, eh, whatever, Confirm. Jock from High School changed his network from city, state, to Clown College. Jock from High School also added new photos. They’re pictures of him and his buddies, 5 years later, 30 pounds heavier, and a beer gut, doing keg stands. Gee, that’s real attractive, I’m sure employers would love that. Delete.

5.) That Weird Emo Girl I Sat in Front of in AP Statistics Senior Year of High School. That Weird Emo Girl is depressed and wanting to punch a wall. Or so says her newly updated Facebook status. I’m a little freaked out. Delete.

6.) The Cheating Ex. The Cheating Ex is no longer listed as “in a relationship.” Oh wait wait, there’s another update: The Cheating Ex is single. Well this is intriguing, so I click on his profile. His BFF just commented asking what happened. Appalled that someone would actually openly ask, but feeling slight pangs of guilt for being happy (well, not really, heh), I do some Facebook stalking. Karma is fantastic. Turns out, he was cheated on. And that is what I like to call irony šŸ™‚ Delete.

7.) Boy I Haven’t Spoken to Since 2nd Grade. He just posted a link. Actually, make that 10 links–because that is what he does. Fill my Newsfeed with his postings. I like to call it Newsfeed Spam. Thank you for your postings, Sir Spam-a-lot. Delete.

8.) Distant Relative I’ve Never Spoken To. I come from a very large family, and have probably only met about 1/4 of my relatives. Distant Relative I’ve Never Spoken To is now friends with The Ex. Small world. Delete.

9.) Douchebag I Met Freshman Year of College. Douchebag still wears his hair so spiked, that it would put Dragonball Z characters to shame. Douchebag has just changed his profile picture. I click to go to his profile, and it’s a picture of him in front of the mirror taking his own picture–with his shirt off. Note to Douchebag: This is not Myspace. He also has a status update, it says, “Douchebag has just bought a Murse to go with my outfit for tonights hot date with Girl That Keeps Writing on Ex’s Wall–gonna get me laid!” Seriously? A murse? Delete.

10.) You. Yes, that’s right, You. You, whom I barely know. You, who keeps poking me and I barely even know you. You–who googled “samihah azim blog” after reading in my 25 Things note on Facebook that I in fact, have a blog (Yes, WordPress is fabulous and lets us know about searches from Google and other search engines). You–I’ve only met you once 5 years ago, and I’ve never spoken to you after that. You–we’re not really family friends and I’ve never spoken to you, but you add me anyways. You–mutual friends of ex’s. You–I haven’t had a conversation with you in years. You–you made a series of bad decisions since high school, I also haven’t spoken to you since high school. You–I don’t even know you. You–your mom. Turns out we were connected on Facebook. Delete x10.

PS: There are some embarrassing baby photos of you on your mom’s facebook, in case you wanted to know.


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